Singled Out

Gillen has never had trouble making friends. He attracts kids to him like bees to honey, is fair and kind (most of the time) and a natural leader. So being singled out at soccer practice, as the one that the other boys tease (a group of them, not all of them) has been a new experience for him. He told me about it last night, while we were driving home from practice. It was dark and he was behind me - perfect conditions for this boy to open up.

"They don't like me and it isn't about anything I did. I allowed the kids who asked to go in front of me [in the line-up to do soccer drills] to go ahead and then they called me a scaredy cat." There was also one more small incident.

My skin bristling, forgotten talons trying to push their way out of my fingers onto the steering wheel, I just said, "So what did you do?"

"I felt like that meant they didn't like me. But I didn't do anything."

I told him how wise I thought he was to realize that this was his feeling but that this might not really be what was happening. I tried to explain school yard politics - the need of a group to feel safe by being sheep and following their leader. I tried to convince him that the person they choose to tease is often just in the wrong place, that it is totally random. We talked about what it would be like for Gillen if he were in the school yard so often, how he might respond. And I brought up the one example that I have seen of Gillen singling out a kid in a hurtful way. It was just last night while trick or treating. A kid we didn't know who was dressed as a bull said to our group, "Don't call me a cow, I'm a bull." Kind of asking for it, but still.

Gillen waited for a few minutes and then said - quietly and with a tentative smile - "Cow."

Every time we saw this kid on our route, he amiably but loudly called him "cow", and soon others in out group were joining him.

I believe that he didn't get that he could be hurting the kid's feelings. But I told him that it was a possibility and that he needed to stop. And then, the next day, he got to see how it feels. Instant karma. ; )

We can't experience the sweetness of life without the dark side.

He may have learned something.

But I'm still going to have trouble cheering on those soccer boys (golden-haired, baby-faced facades hiding lots of need) with as much enthusiasm. Small talk with their parents will be even more challenging than it already was. And skipping two games next weekend so that we can have a whole weekend with visiting unschooling friends will be even easier.

I wish that I could protect my kids from the inevitable meanness in the world. But all I can do is hopefully not mess up their creation of enough self-worth that they can rise above the black rain when it falls.